Below are grade 9 exemplar answers written in timed conditions crediting full marks.
Rosabel looked out of the windows; the street was blurred and misty, but light striking on the panes turned their dullness to opal and silver, and the jewellers' shops seen through this were fairy palaces. Her feet were horribly wet, and she knew the bottom of her skirt and petticoat would be coated with black, greasy mud. There was a sickening smell of warm humanity – it seemed to be oozing out of everybody in the bus – and everybody had the same expression, sitting so still, staring in front of them. Rosabel stirred suddenly and unfastened the two top buttons of her coat… she felt almost stifled. Through her half-closed eyes, the whole row of people on the opposite seat seemed to resolve into one meaningless, staring face.
How does the writer use language here to describe Rosabel’s bus journey home?
You could include the writer’s choice of:
- words and phrases
- language features and techniques
- sentence forms
Mansfield uses the contrast of imagery of the street’s windows, which in reality were “blurred and misty” but to Rosabel seemed “opal and silver” under the light. The second description seems almost magical and creates and ethereal atmosphere which gives the reader an insight into how Rosabel views even the “dullness” as beautiful. These images also both allude to jewels creating a sense of lavishness. This is emphasised by how the “jewellers’ shops” seemed like “fairy palaces”. This is an image that incorporates both other worldly as well as rich elements, suggesting that Rosabel does not see beauty in all things under the horrible weather, but rather just the jewellery shops. They are also made to seem unaitanable as faries are not of this world, suggesting that Rosabel feels the jewellers’ shops are not a part of her lifestyle and suggests to the reader that she might be feeling envious.
This ethereal imagery sharply contrasts to how Rosabel then views the rest of the scene. She knew that her coat would “be coated in black, greasy mud”. This is a sharp contrast to the previous descriptions and makes the reader pity Rosabel. The colour black also connotes lack of splendour while directly contrasting the light tone of “silver” used to describe the jewellers’ shop and the image of the mud highlights the contrast between Rosabel’s poor situation compared to the more comfortable and magical alternative previously described.
The people in the bus are also described as dull, showing their lack of appeal to Rosabel and how she does not have interest in them. Alliterating of “sitting so still, staring” is used to show their monotonous actions suggesting to the reader a lack of life and movement. They are also described to have the “same expression” with a “whole row of people becoming one meaningless, staring face”. The lack of individuality creates a sense of dullness while how they’re on the “opposite seat” uses space to show how Rosabel feels distant and opposite in nature from them.
Mark: 8/8
Examiner Comments:
This response demonstrates a perceptive and detailed understanding of language. The candidate selects a range of judicious textual details, analyses the writer's choices and uses subject terminology seamlessly to enhance comments made.
You now need to think about the whole of the source.
This text is from the beginning of a short story.
How has the writer structured the text to interest you as a reader?
You could write about:
- what the writer focuses your attention on at the beginning of the source
- how and why the writer changes this focus as the source develops
- any other structural features that interest you.
The structure of the extract is split into two sections, the first being the present time that Rosabel is in – carrying on with her mundane routine of tea and the bus journey home. The second is a flashback of ‘all that had happened during the day’ at Rosabel’s hat shop. These two sections are directly contrasted and juxtaposed through a number of ways: the actions Rosabel carries out, the actions of the people she is with and the setting of each of the scenes. The fact that Rosabel is the one character that remains constant throughout the extract suggests that she is a central character to the plot of the story. Initially, the writer immediately sets up the time, manner and place of the story. The focus is placed primarily on Rosabel in the beginning with her buying ‘a bunch of violets’ and having ‘so little [for] tea’. This allows the writer to set up the scene and setting for the extract. Later the focus changes to Rosabel getting onto the bus. The fact that the second paragraph shifts from ‘one street’ to ‘everybody in the bus’ reflects the external nature of the outside world compared to the internal environment of the bus. The fact that the writer changes the focus constantly, allows the reader to be brought inside of the bus. The focus then narrows further to Rosabels own internal thoughts of her feeling ‘stifled’. This change in focus provides a smooth transition to the second part of the extract, Rosabel’s flashback.
The writer shifts the focus to Rosabel’s memory of the day she experienced at her ‘hat shop’. The writer juxtaposes two of Rosabel’s customers, ‘the girl who tried on every hat’ and ‘a girl with beautiful red hair’. This juxtaposition makes the description of the second customer more striking, placing significance on her, for the reader. This enables the reader to experience the flashback with greater understanding. The writer changes the focus to Rosabel’s experience with the customer ‘with beautiful red hair’. The fact that the only bits of dialogue in the extract are from Rosabel’s interaction with this customer, reflect the important of the pair’s conversation. This creates mystery around the customer. The fact that the writer ends with the cliffhanger of ‘Rosabel heard her say’ creates more mystery and foreshadows the later parts of the extract, making the reader interested. The fact that the writer shifts from Rosabel’s present experience to her flashback, narrows the focus to Rosabel’s internal thoughts which makes the extract more interesting to the reader. The fact that the narrative perspective remains the same reinforces the fact that Rosabel is a central character which intrigues the reader to find out what happens to her.
Mark: 8/8
Examiner Comments:
This response is both detailed and perceptive. It begins with an overview of the text that demonstrates a clear understanding of structure, and then focuses on specific shifts within the text and analyses their significance. Recognition of the writer constantly narrowing the focus from the jewellers' shops, to the passengers on the bus, to Rosabel's internal thoughts, in order to provide a smooth transition to the flashback of the second part of the text, is particularly perceptive. The response is over-long and the final paragraph adds little, but this does not detract from the quality elsewhere. Subject terminology is used confidently, and is seamlessly embedded throughout the response.
Focus this part of your answer on the second part of the source, from line 19 to the end.
A student said, ‘This part of the story, set in the hat shop, shows that the
red-haired girl has many advantages in life, and I think Rosabel is right to be angry.’
To what extent do you agree?
In your response, you could:
- consider your own impressions of the red-haired girl
- evaluate how the writer conveys Rosabel’s reactions to the red-haired girl
- support your response with references to the text.
In the second part of the source, the writer describes the red-haired girl to be very privileged, which upsets Rosabel. This is somewhat justified, but there are many reasons why it is not fair for Rosabel to be angry.
From the beginning, the girl is described very carefully and in much detail. Her “beautiful” hair and “white” skin have connotations of purity and angelic features, which are inevitably enviable qualities. The writer describes the girl’s eyes as green like “that green ribbon shot with gold they had got from Paris last week”. By including “gold” and “Paris”, the reader associates the girl with opulence and grandeur. This shows her wealth and status immediately, suggesting that she has been given many opportunities in life, a notion which is emphasised by the appearance of her “carriage”.
The writer also describes the girl’s company in order to show that the “young man” is also “well dressed” and therefore of the same social status. The contrast between Rosabel and the girl is emphasised by the girl’s companion, as it outnumbers Rosabel.
The writer describes simultaneous actions to emphasis the contrast further – as the girl speaks to the man, Rosabel “took the pins out of her hat, untied her veil and gave her a hand-mirror”. This portrays Rosabel as a servant, and shows her social inferiority clearly, as does the phrase “the girl glanced at Rosabel laughingly”. The verb glances makes Rosabel seem insignificant in the eyes of the girl, and the adverb “laughingly” has a mocking tone. The phrase “they had been very hard to please” also shows the high standards of the customers and the desperate and eager tone of “she had run up, breathlessly” emphasises how much Rosabel wants and needs to make the sale, further emphasising her social standing.
The “untouched box” creates an idea that this hat was special, reinforcing the idea that this girl is deserving or worthy of such an object. The “velvet rose” and “great, curled feather” add to the idea of oppulence that surrounds the girl.
The command of “let me see” shows how the girl can easily use her position to make orders to Rosabel, as does the fact that she “swept out to her carriage and left Harry to pay and bring the box”. This suggests that the girl is accustomed to being catered for and waited on.
Rosabel is heavily contrasted to the girl throughout the passage, even in their appearances, with the girl’s “beautiful red hair” and Rosabel’s “brown hair”. In contrast, Rosabel seems plain and dull. It is clear that Rosabel feels threatened and inferior to the girl, as the “sudden, ridiculous feeling of anger had seized” her. The adjectives used indicate that Rosabel is aware of the foolishness of her emotions, but the “sudden” feeling that “seized” her is passive, and powerful, suggesting that Rosabel can neither stop nor comprehend her feelings. The emotive and violent imagery used of “she longed to throw the lovely, perishable thing”, “bent over” and “flushing”, shows a physical power over Rosabel that is caused by these emotions.
Although Rosabel’s reaction was provoked by the girl “smil[ing]” and calling Rosabel beautiful, Rosabel is mostly justified in feeling angry, for the feelings are taking control of her senses, and are out of her control. Throughout the passage the girl is shown to be entitled, wealthy and “hard to please”, as well as taking Rosabel’s assistance for granted. She also perhaps unknowingly taunts Rosabel by making her try on the hat, and exclaiming that she “must have that!”.
Whilst the girl can't be blamed for being born into her privilege, and she doesn’t actively say anything malicious or rude to Rosabel, it is still unjust for Rosabel that their class division is so wide. It is very likely that Rosabel’s anger is not directly towards the girl, but towards society in general, which is completely justified.
Mark: 20/20
Examiner Comments: This is a full mark response that shows what a candidate can achieve in response to an unseen text within the time constraints of an examination. It begins with a clear overview - the candidate knows precisely where they are heading with their line of argument. What is produced is a perceptive and detailed evaluation, and a convincing and critical response to the focus of the statement, supported with a range of judicious textual details throughout. The perceptive understanding of writer's methods, eg the use of simultaneous actions by Rosabel and the red-haired girl, one symbolising servant and the other master, is exceptionally clever.
Question 5: Creative Writing
Jessie had just finished milking the cow when the mailman came. “Is for you, Mrs ‘earse’. He pronounced ‘Hearse’ without the ‘H’, his rough country accent mimicking the rest of the small population of Cornbury. He shoved a rather elegant looking envelope in the basket that they used for a mailbox, and strode away, whistling.
Puzzled, Jessie wiped her hands on her apron, before bustling over. It was heavy, no doubt made with a sort of expensive paper, with a seal that looked like a coat of arms. Frowning, she carefully walked inside, handling the letter as though it were some priceless treasure. “Rupert!” she called out to her husband, who seemed to be fiddling with the boiler pipes, again. He appeared soon after, his sandy hair an unruly mess, his fingers covered in grime. His eyes lit up when he saw the seal, obviously it meant something. Snatching the letter from Jessie’s hand, he opened it, like a child with a new toy. “It's from Reg.” he exclaimed delightedly “my best friend from ‘igh school. And he wants us to come for dinner… today.” His face turned slightly panic-stricken. “Must’ve got lost in the post”, he whispered hoarsely. The young couple looked at each other, wide eyed and silent, before suddenly launching into chaos.
An hour later, after much garment changing and hair washing, Jessie stepped out of the cottage, wearing her best blue and white frock, her husband behind her, with borrowed dungarees. A limousine pulled up, its smooth black tyres now respectably mud-splattered, and came to a halt at the fence. A rather middle-aged man got out, and opened the door for them, his dazzling white glove contrasting with the sleek darkness of the vehicle.
When the car drove off, Rupert almost started in surprise. This was much unlike their old tractor; it felt like they were gliding over the earth, rather than rumbling through country lanes. In what felt like 5 minutes (in reality, it was over an hour), the car stopped, and once again, the doors were opened for them. Jessie skipped out, taking in her surroundings in awe.
They were in the middle of a great courtyard, surrounded by windows that looked like a thousand gleaming gems. One could say it was too bright to see, however in Rupert’s case, there was simply too much to see. There was a foundation in the middle, water cascading down, so clean, and sparkly, all of a sudden Jessie, in her best blue and white frock, suddenly felt filthy, and very, very out of place. She glanced at her husband, although he seemed to be just as fascinated as she was.
With a boom, the oak doors in front of them slowly opened, and they hesitantly went inside; the lions on either side almost seemed to be bowing at them, their majestic stone manes elaborately carved, almost sparkling in the heat of the sun.
“Rupert!” exclaimed a young man, of a similar age, as he strode towards Rupert, and offered his hand. Reginald, or Reg, as he liked to be called, obviously expected a handshake, so no one was more surprised than he when his friend tackled him in a bear hug. Lightly, so as not to appear impolite, Reg dusted off his jacket before turning to Jessie “And you must be Jessie. Here's my wife Bella. I'm sure you two will get on beautifully.” A woman stepped out from behind Reg, her long dark hair tumbling down in such a way that reminded Jessie of the fountain outside.
The farmer’s wife gaped at her. She was beautiful. Although in her best blue and white frock, she felt ashamed, as though she were wearing rags. Of course, she was not the only one. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Rupert fidget nervously, in his dungarees, as he, too, took in the magnificent grey gown, diamonds twinkling, reminding Jessie of the stars they could see from their farm. The ghost of a smile was still etched on her face, as she sighed inwardly and shook Bella’s gloved hand. This was going to be a rather uncomfortable evening.
Mark: 40/40 A05:24 marks A06:16 marks
Examiner Comments:
Content and Organisation (AO5): Convincing, compelling communication, assuredly matched to purpose. Complex ideas and details are embedded seamlessly and the writing is fluent and seemingly effortless. The gentle tone is entirely appropriate for the subject matter. Upper Level 4
Technical Accuracy (AO6): Highly accurate in all aspects of technical accuracy. Level 4
N.B: we've decided not to give answers for question 1 as almost every student in the country gets full marks.
Hope this helps making grade 9 less impossible.